


In Search of Silver Linings

by dezmari



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Character Death, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, F/M, Force Bond (Star Wars), One Shot, POV Rey (Star Wars), Romance, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-10
Updated: 2017-04-10
Packaged: 2018-10-17 09:06:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10590813
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dezmari/pseuds/dezmari
Summary: Rey no longer wondered how their bond escalated. They were nothing, but at the same time they were everything."Out there, we’ll go back to being enemies.” He stated a fact, something they had made an excellent job of avoiding.“Then let us stay here.”





	

After the battle on Starkiller, where red clashed with blue and she left him wounded and defeated in the snow, everyone thought Kylo Ren dead. When the news of his death arrived at the Resistance base Rey witnessed the cheer of the pilots around her, the look of relief in both Finn and Poe’s faces, and a relieved sigh escaped her own lips.

The beast of the First Order was dead, it was a day for celebration.

Hours after the news arrived she walked over to the Generals office to report back from her assignment. The door was open and as she peeked inside she found the room empty except for the General herself, her two assistants nowhere to be seen.

Rey stepped into the room and the General who was facing away from her brought her hand to wipe her eyes and after a moment turned to her. At the sight of her, Rey couldn’t bring herself to say anything, there was nothing she could say. She looked years older, the frowns in her face prominent, the wrinkles marked, and her eyes red from the crying. In the solitude of her office she was a mother mourning and Rey was an intruder. The one who left her son for dead in the snow.

It was easy to forget that he was human before he turned into the monster she met, that he was someone’s child, that someone in the galaxy would cry over his death.

“I’m sorry Rey, this isn’t a good time.”

Rey nodded and left, no empty words of condolences after her loss.

.

.

.

Soon after, she took Luke Skywalker up on his offer to train her, Kylo Ren may have been dead but the First Order still threatened the galaxy and everyone had to do what they could to help. She didn’t want to leave to train so soon, not when Finn had just woken up days ago, but she couldn’t bear to be in the presence of General Organa.

The General mourned her son in silence, she kept the appearance of the unmovable leader but Rey could almost feel her pain in the air around them. She couldn’t help but feel guilty in response, after all she had played a leading role in her son’s demise.

Luke mourned as well for a boy he called Ben, a student, a nephew. He spoke of Ben from time to time during meals, at night around a fire. He spoke in present tense, a sentence or two as if talking to himself, as if he wasn’t dead at all. She never listened, knowing it wasn’t for her ears to hear. Only once, after a training session, he acknowledged his nephews passing.

“I still can’t quite come to terms with it. I thought that when he did pass I would know, I thought I would feel it in the Force as clear as when I felt him when he came into this world.”

There was nothing she could say to that.

They trained every day for a month and it served to keep both their minds occupied. Physical training and learning forms were probably the moments she enjoyed most, feeling the strain of her muscles as she spared with Luke. But she found a peace she didn’t expect in the art of meditating.

Training was stopped until further notice as they received a stress call from the General, distress filled her voice and there was something desperate in her eyes. She asked Luke to come back to the Resistance base, it was important she said.

There must have been something in her voice, something in the way she all but pleaded her brother to return that Luke announced their departure hours later; after a month of having told her how he didn’t think he would ever return.

She didn’t question him, it wasn’t her place to do so. The flight was spent in silence, Luke seemed deep in thought and she took to meditating trying to ignore the bad feeling in the pit of her stomach.

.

.

.

The uneasiness could be felt throughout the Resistance base as soon as they landed and the bad feeling she had intensified. Poe was there to greet them and as he led them through the base toward the General he didn’t once meet her gaze.

When they arrived at the door of one of the few conference rooms in the base Poe knocked on the door before being allowed inside. Already inside stood Finn besides BB-8. A few Colonels and an Admiral sat around the table their expressions grave.

The General stood up from her chair as they entered the room and as she spoke Rey felt her breath caught up in her throat. “He’s alive.” There was no question as to who ‘he’ was.

“That can’t be, he’s dead.” It was Rey who spoke, the words out of her lips before she could stop herself. She _wanted_ him to be dead.

“He’s not.” She turned to Luke. “My inside sources tell me he’s aboard a First Order fleet, his wounds were too great and he’s been in a bacta tank ever since Starkiller. He hasn’t regained consciousness, but there’s a chance he might live.” In that moment, it was the mother talking, everyone in the room could see it.

Luke tensed beside Rey and she could sense his feelings in the matter were conflicted. On one hand he was his nephew, the son of his beloved sister, on the other hand he was dangerous.

“Let’s hope for the sake of the galaxy he never wakes up.” A Colonel spoke and although no one voiced their agreements out loud, in respect for the General, most of the room silently pleaded for that very outcome.

Her eyes met with Finn’s then, his eyes were filled with fear and she couldn’t help but recall the memory of Finn lying on the snow unconscious after their encounter. When her gaze turned to Poe she saw him looking at Finn an unreadable expression on his face.

She should have killed him back then, treacherous thoughts, dark thoughts that Luke would have undoubtedly frowned upon.

.

.

.

“Should we really be doing this? Couldn’t they trace it back to us?” Rey asked worried, she didn’t see how the risks were worth it.

“There’s nothing to worry about, the agent left no trace, if found they’ll only be able to know they were being watched, could probably guess by who, but there would be no way to trace it back to us.” Poe was the one who answered as he crossed his arms over his chest.

She nodded, her lips set in a frown. Everyone in the room was nervous of what they would see as soon as they could manage to connect with the cameras of the First Order fleet, the cameras of the room that held Kylo Ren.

The screen in front of them beeped as the connection went through. Rey slipped her hand into Finn’s and he gave her a gentle squeeze. As the image of the three cameras filled the screen they could see the circle dark metal room with its dim lights and a single door. There were two stormtroopers guarding the door and a cylindrical bacta tank in the center of the room.

A man floated inside the tank with a breathing mask on his face and small tubes sticking into his body. It was him without a doubt, his hair as dark and unruly as she remembered it and on his face the scar that stretched from his shoulder up his neck going all the way from the side of his face to his forehead, courtesy of her.

The General didn’t cry, but she could see her shaking at the sight of her son before her. Once again, she couldn’t help the guilt that took over her. On one side, it was her fault he was still alive, she had hesitated, if she had just ended him right there and then the galaxy would surely be all the better for it. On the other hand, it was her fault he was there, the scar was the reminder, she had cut him down let him bleed on the ground, it was her fault he was dying, it was her fault the General was hurting.

Her hand slipped from Finn’s as she stared at the sight before her, her eyes glued to the scar, her mark.

“He’s alive.” Finn murmured in disbelief.

Luke placed a hand on her sisters’ shoulders, she couldn’t see her masters’ expression, but she knew that a part of him was glad he had survived.

The Admiral was the only officer in the room, he spoke then from the corner of the room. “This is alarming news, I will inform the higher ups.” He left the room after that, clearly shaken and disappointed at the news.

There was a long moment of silence in where they just stared at the screen, until the General broke the silence. “My son…” Her voice full of _something_ that Rey couldn’t even begin to understand.

“He always looked so peaceful with his eyes closed.” There was an edge to her voice, Rey could tell that she was just glad that his son was alive after having believed him dead. The chance, no matter how bleak it seemed that he could survive was better than no chance at all. No matter all he’d done, he was her son.

“Do you remember Luke, as a baby how restless he was, how he would suddenly wake up crying?” Luke nodded stiffly. “Nothing would calm him down quite like Han snuggling him close.”

Rey could feel a lump in her throat, her thoughts going back to that day as his red blade impaled Han through his chest and Han fell and fell. A part of her wondered still if Han ever expected a different outcome.

“How Chewie would spoil him rotten, sneaking him sweets when we weren’t looking. Every time we said no all Ben had to do was look at Chewie with his big brown eyes and he’d say yes.”

Rey remembered Chewie’s howl as Han fell, she saw him pointing his crossbow at Kylo Ren and firing with another howl. How it must have hurt him to fire at the shell of the boy he once knew.

“I was so proud of him when he learned force healing, he would heal the younger ones whenever they got hurt. He was always a fast learner.” It was Luke who spoke then, they were talking about Ben and she wanted to scream at them that the boy they knew was dead.

The man in the tank was a monster.

She remembered his face, basked in the glow of the red light of his saber, contorted in anger and rage. She saw as he drew power from the wound at his side, how he swung his blade at her, fury rolling out of him in waves.

She had heard the stories, the Jedi Killer who destroyed the Jedi Academy his uncle had built and drove him into exile. She had seen it in his mind, the man who looked up to Darth Vader who was so afraid he would never live up to the great and terrible legacy before him.

But she refused to think about what else she had seen in his mind, the way his very being was being torn apart.

She couldn’t stand it, that he was flesh and bone beneath the mask. She didn’t want to hear about Ben, she didn’t want to hear things that questioned the monster she remembered. And so, with one last look at those in the room, one last look at the image of Kylo Ren on the screen she turned and all but ran out the room.

.

.

.

Later during the week, she went back to the room, she punched the code she was given and the door opened. As she stepped inside there was no one there. The screen was still connected to the cameras from the First Order fleet and Kylo Ren was still there suspended in the bacta tank.

Rey couldn’t really explain what she was doing there. Maybe it was to make sure he was still there, between life and death and not out there tearing the galaxy apart, but she knew there was more to it.

She was drawn in.

If she hadn’t known his atrocities first hand she might have been deceived by the almost peaceful look on his face, she might have mistaken the scars that marred his body and deemed him as just another victim of circumstances.

But she had also been inside his mind, a frightening place to be. She had seen his struggle and as much as she wanted to pretend otherwise he was not all darkness, and if his mother and uncle’s words were anything to go by there had once been a bright light in him. A light that he was never quite able to completely snuff out.

His body was covered in scars, she could identify some. The blast from Chewie’s weapon in the left side of his abdomen, the burn of the blue lightsaber on his left shoulder which she had inflicted herself, and of course the strike that had slashed across his face that extended all the way to his right shoulder.

But almost every inch of his visible skin was marked with some sort of violence. His back was covered with long scars going in every direction resembling whip marks, an old burn scar covered the side of his right thigh down his leg, while on the left side he seemed to have been attacked by lightning as root like markings covered the side of his torso all the way down his thigh to his knee.

A part of her wanted to know the story behind every mark he carried. She wondered how many were done by enemies and how many were inflicted by those who should have been allies.

She knew she should leave, if someone were to walk in on her they would surely ask questions to which she had no answers.

As she turned to leave she paused by the door her thoughts asked a question she would never voice out loud, it sounded too much like concern for an enemy.

_Are you alive?_

She didn’t expect an answer of course and exited the room. As she walked down the hallway on her way to meet with Finn and Poe she heard something that made her stop in her tracks.

It was a voice in her head that wasn’t her own, one she recognized immediately, answering a question no one should have ever heard.

_I… I think so._

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.

.

It had been days and Rey could still feel him in the back of her head. She spent hours meditating when she first heard him and by the end of the day he was still there.

 _What did you do?_ She had asked angrily to the intruder in her head.

_Nothing._

She had sensed the truth in his words, whatever had happened it had occurred without them knowing. Since then she had tried to ignore him and for the most part she succeeded, but she was still acutely aware of his presence inside her head.

Even though he didn’t voice his thoughts to her any more than she did to him, she could feel him. She could feel his anger intensely every time she was around his mother, his uncle, and even Finn.

Once during an encounter with Finn she had found herself with her hand balled into a fist trembling with rage, his fury loud on her mind. She had excused herself and it took over an hour of meditating for the feeling to finally leave her. She had been avoiding them ever since, they were bound to catch up soon enough.

Luke came to her room and against her better judgement she let him in at hearing the worry in his voice. “Your friend is worried and so am I, you’ve been skipping training. Are you well?”

“I am well.” She lied. “I just thought you’d prefer to spend time with your sister, she needs you right now.” She could tell from the look on his face that he didn’t buy her excuse.

“Is there anything you want to tell me?” His tone was kind, but there was something in his expression she didn’t understand.

 _It’s caution._ The voice in her head sneered. _He’s wondering in this exact moment if you’ll stray. He sees something of me in you, I’ve seen it too._

It took everything in her not to snap at Luke, this time the anger that filled her was her own, directed at the voice in her head. She was nothing like that monster. A part of her considered telling Luke about the presence in her head, but fear kept her from doing so, what would he think of her? She decided it was best to keep it to herself for the moment, maybe she could get rid of it and no one had to know, if not she’d tell him.

“I just needed a few days, I’ll be at training tomorrow.” She smiled, it was strained.

From the look on his expression he knew she was holding something back. He smiled back at her, and to her dismay the smile was cautious.

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.

Long hours of meditating helped control the erratic emotions that filled her mind, they no longer threatened to overtake her and she could go back to meetings with Finn and Poe, she could be in the General’s presence, and could train with Luke.

Sometimes during training the foreign feeling of anger would strike intensely. Anger at her teacher and at his way of life. In those days, she found herself having to excuse herself and every time Luke would look at her with caution in his eyes and Rey knew that the voice in her head was right.

.

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.

Rey woke up in a place that wasn’t her room, in a bed that wasn’t hers, neatly made. When she looked around she spotted a figure in dark robes watching her from a chair. It was Kylo Ren.

“Where am I?” She gulped, it was impossible. Last she remembered, she had gone to bed and Kylo Ren was more dead than alive suspended in a bacta tank.

“I still am.” He answered thoughts she didn’t voice out loud. “And you’re still in your room sleeping.”

“So, I’m having a nightmare and you’re not really here.” She sighed in relief.

“Oh, I am here and you are actually in _my_ head, scavenger.” He spoke his voice that eerie calm she remembered from the interrogation in Starkiller. Her mind once again thought it was impossible, but impossible things had happened before. She had been a little over two weeks with his presence in her head after all.

On closer inspection she recognized him, the company that had become a constant in her head was now across from her staring at her with open curiosity.

“Why am I here?” She asked annoyed as she stood up from the bed, her hands balled into fists at her side.

“I’m not sure.” She could sense the truth in his words. “Perhaps, I called you here and you answered.” At the look of incredulity on her face he added. “Involuntarily, much like our connection. It’s not something we can control.” He seemed annoyed at having to admit it out loud.

“Well, I would very much like to go back to my head.” She told him as she looked around the room, she wasn’t sure how it worked. She looked for the nearest door and opened it hoping it was an exit, all she found was the fresher. “How do I get out of here?” She asked, her anger rising she turned to glare at him, he remained silent. “You don’t even know how this works.” She exclaimed, it was unbelievable he was the one who brought her here.

Kylo Ren glared at her in response. “This is just another repercussion of the connection _you_ awakened.” He snarled at her. “My mind was perfectly silent until I heard your voice, and it pulled my consciousness from the coma I was in. Now I’m stuck in this connection seeing through your eyes.” His voice raised in volume with every word until he was practically screaming at her.

He phrased it as some kind of prison, despite every downside to their connection she could at least revel in that. As if reading her thoughts his glare intensified.

“Whatever.” She threw back at him, she was tired of seeing his face and arguing, she just wanted to wake up. She stomped back over to the bed, climbed on it and lay back closing her eyes tightly and hoping that when she opened them again she would no longer be trapped there with him.

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The following two nights she was called into his mind again while she slept. She tried to force herself to wake up to no avail. They had opted to spend their time together in silence, ignoring each other on opposites sides of the room. By the third night she’d had enough, it was ridiculous, she could feel the tension in the room and it was just a matter of time before either one of them drew their lightsabers and tried to attack.

Not that she thought it would do much good in a dream. She was sure he could feel where her train of thoughts were leading, but she saw him make no move from his side of the room, all she could feel from his side was annoyance which seemed to be his default mood.

“I propose a truce. If we’re stuck with each other we might as well be civilized, we’re not enemies here.” They _were_ enemies, she corrected in her mind and she could feel as he agreed with that, but while they were stuck in each other’s mind and he was suspended in a bacta tank in the other side of the galaxy there was little they could do to each other.

“I accept, I can’t do much to kill you right now, as you have just pointed out.” But he would try to as soon as he was able, the message was clear.

“I guess I could sneak my way into the First Order fleet and end what I didn’t on Starkiller, but why go through the trouble when fate might do it for me.” Her trail of thoughts was dark, his mind pointed out and she tried to ignore him.

“Don’t count on it.” He snorted and just like that they fell back and forth into easy bickering, a dark humor to their exchanges.

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She was determined to break whatever it was that linked them, she had asked Luke to use the very limited and small library in his ship claiming an interest in honing her mind. She read through anything that seemed even remotely related to their symptoms: the connection they shared, the molding of their minds, the invasions of dreams, and the sharing of feelings and emotions.

She’d been at it for two days with no luck and she refused to ask Luke about the matter, knowing that if she did there would be no way out of telling him the truth.

She was beginning to think it was a waste of time until she encountered some brief writings titled as Bonding. “Also called a Force Bond, a link that allowed two force-sensitives to influence each other.” She read aloud and frowned as she read ahead. “It says it enables the bonded to share emotions, thoughts, allowed communication, but it says nothing of dreams.” She knew that although he was quiet in her head he was eavesdropping on her, he wanted answers as much as she did.

“It’s common for it to occur between master and apprentice, relatives, near-death situations, and when made open to the force or imbued by a wielder of the force.” Her frown deepened.

 _“It would make sense then, to assume that the bond was formed when you called out to me in my half-dead state.”_ She could hear the disapproval in his words.

“ _Or_ maybe, the bond was formed when you pushed yourself into my mind on Starkiller and it wasn’t awakened until now.” She could feel him frown. Neither of them wanted to be responsible for the shackles that bound them together, but it seemed both instances were just as likely. And no matter whose fault it was, it was still there.

_“Is there any way to break the bond?”_

She continued reading. “A powerful bond that unites two beings could only be broken by death, and one death would lead to the other.”

There was a long pause of silence after she finished reading, it never occurred to her that their connection could turn out to be an until death do us part kind of deal.

 _“Seems our fates are intertwined.”_ She could hear the resignation in his words and a part of her can’t help but think he somehow knew the finality of the union.

She doesn’t hear him after that for the rest of the day, but she could still feel him on the back of her mind. That night as she laid in her bed and closed her eyes she wasn’t surprised to open them and find herself in his bed.

His eyes were on her as she entered the dream as if he had been waiting for her. He stood against a wall in his dark robes and without his mask with his arms crossed over his chest. Silence reigned over the room, neither of them spoke, too immersed in their shared thoughts.

It wasn’t just her thoughts, she could feel them mirrored in his. Even if they won the inevitable fight that lay ahead they would still lose the war, lose themselves. His thoughts strayed to his legacy, a legacy that would then remain unfulfilled, while her thoughts lay on her life that had just started and would end much too early.

She didn’t know how much time had passed before she decided to speak. “Well it seems we’re in this for the long haul. And I’m no longer a scavenger so stop calling me that.” She adds the last sentence as an afterthought, she left that life behind on Jakku.

“Then what do you want me to call you, Jedi?” There’s an edge to his voice and it’s clear he means the word as an insult of some sort.

“I have a name, it’s Rey.” Which she’s sure he already knew, he’d been in her head long enough.

“As you wish, in turn you will stop referring to me as a monster and use my name.” She didn’t have to ask which name he meant.

“Fair enough.”

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.

Weeks passed and soon she was used to his presence in her mind, to the nightly visits in his head, she could control the mood swings, and reached a stage of acceptance in regard to their bond. It would always be there and if anything, it had just gotten stronger with time.

While stuck in the limbo of their acquaintance, they push the tittle of enemies aside as if in silent agreement.

Despite how they fought against it at first; they were getting used to each other, their interactions became civilized, and conversations happened more often than not. Since the day they discovered the nature of their bond, they hadn’t spoken about the inevitable ending to their story; but the inescapable fact hung in the air around them, they just refused to acknowledge it.

It was easier to co-exist as they remained neutral.

“Thinking back, my life was decided when I found BB-8 by chance in the dessert, the droid you were looking for.” There was a smile in her voice. “I’d like to say everything went downhill from there, but I’d be lying. Amongst all the bad there were some pretty great things too.” She reclined on the pillows of the bed as he sat in his usual chair his posture relaxed.

“There are no coincidences in the Force, everything happens by design.” She knew it wasn’t just all the teachings hammered in his head talking, he truly believed that.

“Sometimes I think you’re right, but I would also like to believe we’re free to make our choices, and that not all is dictated by an all-powerful force.” Sometimes she liked to believe she could have gone back to Jakku, to her simple life, if she had wished to do so.

“Trying to go against the will of the Force is pointless.” There was an edge to his voice then, she wanted to ask knowing there was a deeper meaning to his words, but in doing so she would overstep over that invisible line.

.

.

.

“What were you waiting for back on that dessert planet?” He asked one night, and it was a hesitant step over that invisible line they’ve learned to keep.

“What makes you think I was waiting for something?” Her question in return was defensive.

“I was in your head, remember? I could feel your pull toward the planet, the longing. I saw the etched marks in your makeshift home, counting the days. Hundreds and hundreds of marks, you were there a long time.” His voice was almost gentle and it takes her a moment to sense through their bond that it’s not mere curiosity that led him to ask the question, but sincere interest as if in an effort to understand her better.

“I was waiting for my family, but it was time to accept that they were never coming back.”

“You were abandoned.” His words made her want to argue, but they might as well have. She spent years waiting for anyone to come back for her, and all she remembered was a ship flying away as she reached out her hand and cried for it to come back.

“What about you, what’s your story? Were you abandoned too?” All she recalled was the General saying that they had failed their son, but she had never elaborated on the subject and it wasn’t her place to ask.

“In a sense I was, and so I abandoned myself as well.”

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Once she had learned to control Kylo’s influence in her head and the way it affected her emotions she was able to train with Luke more frequently. She could still feel Kylo in the back of her head, his anger towards her master, and his disapproval with his teachings. Most times he remained quiet, an unwilling spectator but sometimes he spoke up.

She was still having problems with telekinesis, Luke had urged her to start with the force pull to call the lightsaber back to her. She was easily frustrated, it wasn’t supposed to be so hard, she’d done it before. Master Luke would remind her to have patience, he would tell her to calm her mind.

After two days on working on that technique Kylo had had enough.  _“Focus.”_ He spoke in her mind. _“Don’t try to physically pull it to you, call out to it using the Force.”_ She extended her hand once again, with her eyes on the lightsaber she pulled, but it wouldn’t budge.

She’d done this before, she thought once again in frustration. _“You managed it in a moment of danger, fueled by adrenaline.”_ She could feel as Luke watched her in silence. _“Relax your hold, breathe in and out again, and call it to you. It will obey.”_

She closed her eyes and relaxed her hand, she extended her arm with her hand open. She breathed in, held her breath, and breathed out. When she opened back her eyes she called the lightsaber to her, a silent command. To her surprise the lightsaber moved slightly before then flying into her hand.

A smile spread through her lips. “Very well done.” Her master spoke voice filled with pride.

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One night it’s her turn to cross the already blurred line. “Do you regret it?” As soon as the words were out of her lips she’s afraid she might have gone too far. She doesn’t need to elaborate on what she means, he can read it in her thoughts.

There was a long moment of silence and just when she thinks he won’t answer her he opened his mouth to speak. “Does it matter?” He answered her question with one of his own.

“Yes.” Her answer is immediate. It shouldn’t matter, what’s done is done, but it does. “Your family still believes there is light in you.”

“And what do you believe?”

“I’ve been in your head, remember?” She mirrored the same words he’d spoken to her a few nights ago, she could see his lips slightly tilt up in response. “I’ve seen the conflict within you, you feel the pull to the light.”

There’s another long pause in which he seemed to consider her words and she could feel his mind reliving the moment, she could feel his pain as if it were her own. “His death was supposed to snuff out the light, but I regretted it the moment I pushed the switched.” He said no more, but she could feel the self-loathing from him, she could read his thoughts, he wished he had handed his father his lightsaber instead.

 _What’s done is done._ His thoughts repeated over and over in his head.

_I can’t take it back._

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.

She was sparring with Luke, wooden swords in place of lightsabers. She appreciated the chance to let out some steam, to channel the energies inside her, both hers and Kylo’s

Kylo was silent in her mind, but she could feel him studying her every move. He was calm in her head even in the presence of his uncle, making an effort not to disrupt her training, something she silently appreciated.

Moves came naturally, as Luke went on the offensive she turned toward the defensive successfully blocking his attacks. Her wooden sword blocking his at a low angle. Luke stepped back and came at her again with more force. She stepped back and as the sword came toward her she dropped on one knee and braced herself with the sword over her head to block the attack as it collided.

As soon as their blades collided she stood and forced him backwards. He took a few steps back and regarded her for a moment before taking a defensive stance.

She rushed at him and struck down with her blade a move he met with his own. She slashed at him from one side then the other. When he tried to strike back she met him with a strike of her own as she pushed his sword away and went to strike again, her moves feeling heavy.

It was when her blade clashed with Luke’s that she heard Kylo’s voice in her head. “ _Rey.”_ He called her name, but she could hear the warning in his voice. She turned her eyes to Luke, there it was again the cautious look. She took a step back and dropped the sword to the ground. “I’m tired.” She lied.

Luke nodded stiffly. “We should stop for today.” He took the wooden weapon she had dropped toward the floor and turned away from her. “I have some matters to attend with my sister so I won’t be able to train you for a few days, in the meantime, meditate.”

He turned back to face her then and she nodded in recognition to his words. She could see the discomfort in his posture, the caution in his eyes, and in turn she was filled with shame.

Without another word Luke walked away, as he did she sensed it. He was afraid, it had been there deep in his eyes. He’d recognized the moves, he’d sensed something in her, something dark.

She could feel Kylo’s anger in her head, it wasn’t that old anger fueled by memories, no, it was fresh. She could read his mind, he was angry at the way his uncle had looked at her, like a time bomb about to explode.

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She retired early that day, she didn’t trust herself to be around her friends, but she didn’t want to be alone either and so she lay in bed and let herself fall asleep. She awoke as she did every night in his bed as she turned to sit she found him sitting beside her. His gaze was fixed on the dark sheets on the bed and his hand gripped the sheets as they balled up into fists, she could still feel remnants of the anger flowing through him.

“That was my fault.” She was surprised at him breaking the silence, but even more so at the words that escaped his lips. “Somehow you picked up on my moves, you executed moves you should have had no knowledge of.”

“You were right, he’s afraid I’ll turn over to the dark side.” There was disappointment in her voice. She would have thought Luke would have more faith in her.

“You have potential of darkness in you, I’ve seen it and so has he. He’s afraid history will repeat itself, that you’ll turn out like me.” His voice was apologetic and he turned toward her his eyes finding hers. She wanted to argue, to deny the seed of darkness, but she remembered well enough the voice in her head urging her to kill him back at Starkiller and she can’t not look at the scar that branded his face, a physical proof of her darkness. “But he’s wrong,” He continued something that sounded a lot like admiration lacing his voice. “your darkness doesn’t control you, it just accentuates the light.”

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Rey wasn’t sure what to make of their interactions, what had started as an unwilling presence in her mind was now something else, she almost looked forward to meeting him each night on her sleep.

With each passing night he was more open, closer, and less guarded toward her. Of course, they were both aware they couldn’t hurt the other in their dreamlike meetings, but that was no reason to let their defenses slip away. She felt exposed besides him, and she would worry if he wasn’t just as exposed to her in turn.

They sat in a dark gray couch facing each other. She sat with her legs crossed underneath her watching him intently as he spoke. She wasn’t sure how they stumbled on the subject.

“I wasn’t always like this.” He started, his gaze avoiding hers. She knew, she’s heard about the boy once named Ben more than she’d like to, but as she leaned forward waiting for him to speak she realized she hadn’t heard enough.

It wasn’t morbid curiosity that fueled her then, it was genuine interest. A need to know about _him_ , the boy who was swallowed by darkness and the man who emerged.

“I could hear him, since before I could remember.” She could almost hear the words he didn’t speak, _I could hear the supreme leader, my master, a voice invading my head._ “It’s not the same way I feel you, it was intrusive and violent. He spoke of how I was destined for great things, how they wouldn’t understand me, and how they would just hold me back.”

His eyes met hers and as if reading a fleeting thought in her head he replied. “I’m not a victim.” His voice hard. “I fought against the voices for years until I saw the truth in what they preached.”

His mind was open to her and she could see glimpses of his memories as if they were her own. He was about six years of age when his father caught him levitating C-3PO as if the droid were a toy. _“Ben, what are you doing?”_ The boy could sense his father’s fear.

 _“He is strong with the Force, Leia, I could help him control his powers.”_ He listened behind closed doors as his uncle and his parents spoke of things he didn’t yet understand. _“He should be trained, he has no restraint. I fear there might be some Vader in him.”_ His father spoke, once again he could hear the fear, and a name that would spike his interest. _“No, I will not send my son away.”_ There was a surge of adoration for his mother in the boy, a relief in the knowledge that she would protect him, always.

There was an accident, a man lay dead at his feet and all the boy could do was stare at his hands. He had done it. When his parents arrived the concern in their features was quickly replaced with alarm. _“What did you do?”_ His father almost shouted, while his mother’s gaze held fear. He told them, exhaustively how he didn’t mean to do it, it was self-defense, the assassin had meant to kill him. His parents didn’t speak to him after that, and soon after he was sent away to his uncle. His mother had betrayed him.

 _“You need to learn restraint.”_ His uncle spoke and the boy was tired of the repeated preaching. _“You have to control your emotions, you’re too erratic, you’ll never be a Jedi if you keep this up.”_ The boy could sense the disappointment in his uncle. _“Maybe I don’t want to be a Jedi. I can’t not feel.”_ He told his uncle, his eyes pleading him to understand, but instead he found a sentiment he was well familiar with, fear.

“He offered me a different path, all I had to do was leave the boy behind. He claimed it my destiny, that I would finish what Darth Vader started and bring balance to the Force.” She could sense the same fear she had on Starkiller, but this time she could also sense acceptance of what lay ahead. He felt he would never live up to Darth Vader’s legacy, but nonetheless he would play his part.

“And do you still believe that, about bringing balance to the Force?” She spoke.

He considered her question for a moment before he spoke, amusement in his eyes. “I do. But I don’t believe it will be as I had once foreseen.” He didn’t elaborate and she didn’t ask.

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Over three months, three whole months since they’ve been bonded and somehow it feels as if it’s been longer. It’s a part of them now, something that’s just theirs. She no longer considered telling Luke about it, it felt wrong to divulge something so private, so intimate.

Rey no longer wondered how their bond escalated, not just the force bond in itself, but them. They were not friends, not enemies either. They were nothing, but at the same time they were everything. She thought there was not a word for what they were.

Out there he was still suspended in a bacta tank, no indications he would ever wake up. But they wouldn’t give up on him, to some he was a weapon, to others family, and no side wanted to lose him.

As for her, Rey couldn’t honestly say she wanted him dead. Not because his death would mean her own, but because something inside her couldn’t bear to lose him. She liked to tell herself it was their bond, he let her indulge herself. But they couldn’t lie to each other and they both knew it was something else.

Neither of them could put a word to it.

They sat across from each other on his bed in a meditating pose, but their eyes were opened, they were too aware of each other to attempt meditation as she had suggested.

After a while Kylo gave up and resumed a more relaxed pose, so did Rey which left them to stare at each other. She openly admired his features, his too expressive eyes, full lips, and his angular structure. It was no wonder he felt the need to hide behind a mask, there was something soft and princely about his features.

“Well technically, I _am_ a prince.” Amusement laced his voice and Rey had to roll her eyes at him, she was about to open her mouth to retort when her eyes focused on the scar on his face.

It stood out, another violence to match all those beneath his robes. She did that, she’s the reason he’s between life and death. _“Don’t.”_ He didn’t speak the words, but she could hear them all the same. _“I earned every mark on my body, darkness for darkness. But this one, your mark, brought mercy I don’t deserve.”_

 She couldn’t find anything to say to that so instead she raised her hand to his face and traced the outline of the scar; from his forehead, down to his cheek and the side of his face, to his neck where it disappeared beneath the robes. He leaned in to her touch. To their surprise, they could feel each other as if they were really there.

The bond around them seemed to revel in the contact, his skin warm against hers. The air around them was filled with longing, she wasn’t sure were hers ended and his began. It was everything they couldn’t put into words molding together and drawing them in.

They leaned in closer to each other and as their lips met it felt like they were finally whole, a feeling amplified by the bond. His lips were surprisingly gentle against hers as if unnecessary force would shatter the moment, she let him keep his tender pace but her hands roughly pulled him closer and tangled up in his dark hair with a need to feel he was real.

They were both afraid.

They couldn’t be sure who broke the kiss. As they drew back they rested their foreheads against each other and relished in the warmth of their embrace, unable to tell their thoughts and feelings apart.

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Two weeks passed and to Rey’s surprise they fell into it easily. While some days she couldn’t escape the guilt of knowing he was responsible for so much destruction, most days it didn’t matter. Kylo never let her forget his mistakes, being the first to condemn himself, always quick to remind her in the silence of the room how it changes nothing.

But it changes everything.

She could never forget all his atrocities, all those lives he took, all those he hurt. But she had decided to look past it all, because with the bond binding them together he couldn’t lie and she knew that he held himself accountable. No one hated him in the galaxy more than he hated himself.

She couldn’t help it, she felt compassion for him.

She wanted to save him even when she knew he could only save himself.

They sat in the couch, Rey rested her head on his shoulders while his arm wrapped around her frame, holding her close. This was not where either of them thought they would end up when they first met. _But here we are._ His thoughts replied in turn.

They remained in that position for some time until she turned to him sensing a sudden uneasiness. He could sense the question in her thoughts and sighed before releasing his hold on her and turning to look at her.

Kylo looked troubled as he fought on how to put what he was feeling into words. “When I wake up, we’ll go back to being enemies.” He stated a fact, something they had made an excellent job of avoiding.

“I know.” She replied and frowned, why did he have to bring it up now?

There was a long pause of silence before he spoke again. “I had a vision of you, from before I met you on Takodana.” She could sense his hesitation and so she reached out for his hand and placed hers on top, as she silently urged him to continue. “My end met by your hand… and yours by mine.”

For a moment, she thought that was all he was going to say, but then he spoke again his voice sounding defeated. “Then, I thoughts those were two different possibilities. Now I know, that’s our inescapable truth.”

A sad smile took over her features, she brought her free hand around him and pulled him close. _I can’t lose you._ The thought echoed, but she wasn’t sure whose it was. “Then let us stay here.” She whispered.

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Another month had gone by. Rey’s daily life continued pretty much the same, she hung out with Finn and Poe sometimes while other days she trained with Luke. But every night during her sleep she was called to him. She looked forward to that part of the day and in the morning, she awoke with a smile on her face of which Finn would tease her endlessly about.

“You look happy.” He commented one day as a bright smile took over his features. “I’m glad.”

She could only smile back, she couldn’t tell him anything and she was grateful he didn’t pry. It was unconventional, probably bordering on traitorous, but in the midst of it she was content.

Nights were spent on Kylo’s arms, forgetting the world outside, the future could wait. She snuggled close to him and even with her eyes closed she could feel him watching her. His feelings were a mess of emotions she couldn’t tell apart and his eyes regarded her with an expression she couldn’t name.

For a moment, she thoughts his mind was leading him to darker thoughts of days to come, but as she opened her eyes she could see a tentative smile formed on his lips. She couldn’t help but admire the sight of him, she would commit to memory how he looked in that moment and tuck it away with other precious memories.

He brushed his lips against her forehead before once again drawing back to contemplate her, his gaze careful as if to memorize her every feature. She wasn’t sure how long they stared at each other before his voice broke her away from her thoughts.

“Rey…” He called out softly, almost hesitant. His emotions were overwhelming then, filled with something she couldn’t name, strong and gentle, and a little desperate. “I love you.” He let out the words in a breathless whisper.

She tensed in response, she couldn’t help it. She inched away and the moment he sensed her reluctance he let her go.

In moments, she was on her feet stepping away from the bed and he sat, his eyes looking everywhere but at her. _Monster, monster, monster._ His mind screamed.

While her mind was brought back to Jakku in that moment when her parents flew away on a ship. No one had spoken those words to her before and stayed. It was a harsh reminder of their reality.

He seemed to catch on to her thoughts, to the real reason behind her fear. His gaze turned to her then, his dark eyes were filled with longing and despair, his lips spread in a thin line. She could sense what he couldn’t say. At the tip of his tongue, promises of how he would stay with her forever, words he held back. Promises he wouldn’t be able to keep.

She was struck then with a realization, that she, too…

She didn’t bother finishing her trail of thoughts and instead turned around and walked away. She opened the entry to the fresher and closed the door behind her, sliding to the floor she wrapped her arms around herself.

He didn’t call out after her and she couldn’t hear his thoughts over the loudness of their heartache. She remained on the floor of the fresher, holding herself together until morning came to pull her out.

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Days passed by slowly, nights passed slower still. She wasn’t called back to his mind and she found herself unable to sleep. One night she found herself on the room with the camera feed of the room in where Kylo was suspended in a bacta tank, to make sure he was still there.

Everyone was beginning to think he might never wake up, she knew better.

When she was alone she would call to him. _Kylo._

_Kylo._

She could feel him in the back of her mind, he was alive, he was still with her. His presence as strong as ever, but silent. Why wouldn’t he respond?

_Kylo._

He wouldn’t answer and after a while she stopped trying.

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She was training with Luke when it happened, one moment she felt him and the next she didn’t. The wooden sword fell from her grasp and she fell to her knees. Her master was beside her in an instant, his hand on her shoulder. Her breath came in gasps and it took her a few minutes before she could calm herself down.

“Kylo.” She cried out, she didn’t realize she had spoken out loud until she saw Luke’s confused gaze.

“What about Ben?”

She blinked, once, twice. Not sure how to answer, it took her a moment to work out her thoughts. “I’m alive.” She spoke absentmindedly.

“Rey?” Luke called out to her, worry in his voice, she wasn’t making much sense.

But she didn’t answer instead she searched for him, it took her a while, but he was there. Still in the back of her head, silent, his presence almost muted and she could feel his anger. She turned to Luke then, her voice bittersweet as she murmured. “He’s awake.”

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Rey spent the next three months with Luke on another planet away from the Resistance, she’s not even sure which planet it was. She had insisted on being kept in the dark about plans, locations, and strategies in fear of revealing anything to Kylo through their bond.

In turn, she had to tell Luke and the General about the bond she shared with Kylo Ren; she left out the details, his vision, and everything else that was solely theirs. The secrets, the soft words, and the embraces shared throughout the night were memories she held on to. But sometimes she felt Luke gaze at her with understanding in his eyes and she felt she couldn’t hide the pain deep enough.

Kylo hadn’t tried to contact her, their connection still silent, but from time to time she could feel his emotions spike. Most of the times she could feel his anger, strong and ferocious, meditating was all she could do to keep herself from tearing the world apart around her.

She couldn’t help but wonder what had happened to him, what had happened to the man who claimed to love her. In the end she was right, he left. She couldn’t help the resentment.

She trained with her master every day, pushing herself to the limit, it served to distract her from the silence in her mind and prepare her for what lay ahead.

One night around a campfire Rey spoke to her master. “The next time we meet in battle we will both die.” There was no doubt in her voice.

A moment later Luke reached out his hand, inside his palm lay his lightsaber. “I want you to have this. It served you in your first battle, it’ll serve you in your last.” There was acceptance in his voice. “You and he are very much alike, you have potential of both light and darkness. You feel too deeply, and because of that I was afraid of having to watch another student stray from the path, but you chose light.” He leaned in and placed a hand on her shoulders squeezing gently.

“Can I ask a favor of you master?”

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As expected, the next time they meet they are on opposing sides. While she was dressed in the Jedi attire Luke had given her, Kylo Ren was dressed in his standard black robes with his face covered behind his mask. They paused a few feet away from each other and after a moment Kylo reached behind his back to take off the metal helmet.

It fell to the ground with a loud thud and she was left to stare at the familiar features she had come to know. In the light of the moonlight a stranger stared back at her, his expression contorted in anger and his eyes devoid of the familiarity she had come to know. The man who stood before her resembled the monster she had left bleeding on Starkiller more than the man who night after night called to her in her sleep.

He reached for the lightsaber at his side and she mirrored his movements, they took a stance and lit their lightsabers. The stage around them oddly resembling their first.

He rushed in first, his movements heavy and fierce, she took to dodging and defending herself. Every time their blades clashed purple lit over their features.

When she rushed at him to attack he met her strike with one of his own and she had to match his force to keep from staggering backwards. He was fueled with rage, his moves almost chaotic, he attacked like a beast.

It took her a while to get used to his moves, but once she did all she had to do was use his anger against him, striking when he left himself open. He barely had time to defend himself and jumped backwards.

They repeated the dance again and this time Rey’s lightsaber struck, making contact with his right thigh. He hissed in pain and turned back to attack, every blow heavy, Rey had to take a defensive stance.

One strike with excessive force made her lose her grip on her saber and it flew a few feet away.

As he was going to strike her down, he hesitated, halting mid-strike, and for a moment she could see the conflict in his eyes. It was gone much too soon, but it gave her enough time to call the saber back to her hand and defend herself against his blow.

After what felt like hours clashing blades they were both out of breath, Rey was holding out, prolonging the fight in hopes of seeing him reflected in those dark eyes once again.

Rey knew she had to finish it, she could feel the end approaching.

She rushed at him and forced him into a defensive stance, mirroring his earlier movements in a more coordinated form, she was able to disarm him. He jumped backwards and attempted to recall his lightsaber, she rushed at him her lightsaber pushing forward.

She saw up close as her blue blade impaled him through his chest, but not before he had the chance to call his and strike his red blade in her stomach. After a moment, his lightsaber fell out of his hand and hit the floor.

The blue light of her lightsaber illuminated their faces and she saw as his gaze turned to hers. She bit back a sob as she saw the familiar glint in his eyes and felt the bond burst to life. “Rey…” He murmured relief filling his voice.

She held the lightsaber to his chest, hoping to buy some time. She wanted to scream, anger filled their bond, but this time it was her own. She didn’t want to lose him, not now that she’d gotten him back.

With difficulty, he brought a hand to her face and she leaned in to the touch, it served to calm the storm in her. They still had so much to say to each other and so little time. She could feel it, he was slipping away.

“I love you.” She blurted out, and blinked back the tears that blurred her vision.

“I know.” His reply was breathless, he could barely speak. But his lips spread in a smile at her words. _I love you._ He whispered through their bond and Rey leaned forward to meet her forehead with his. _I’m sorry you’re forced to follow, that you are made to pay for my sins._

 _The only thing I regret is that we weren’t given more time._ She whispered back through the bond knowing she wouldn’t be able to speak without her voice breaking. _I’ll meet you on the other side._

Slowly she felt him fade until he was gone. His hand slipped from her cheek and as she dropped her lightsaber to the floor his body fell back.

Rey felt it, the emptiness left behind by his passing. It was overwhelming, loud in its silence. As if a part of herself had been torn apart. The pain tore her from the inside out and she couldn’t help as the sobs escaped her lips, tears spilling down her cheeks as the pain engulfed her.

She fell forward, falling beside Kylo’s body. Her body trembled uncontrollably and she couldn’t will her limbs to move, if she had been able to she would have ended her life herself to stop the pain.

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Luke found them deep in the forest, their bodies lying side by side, their time in the world cut short. He had felt them as they faded, one death followed the other. Luke had felt as his nephew slipped away slowly only to be followed by Rey moments later.

He didn’t allow himself to mourn and instead ordered the soldiers to pick up their bodies to carry them back to base.

The Resistance had won the battle, the First Order forced to retreat with their numbers greatly diminished. But at what cost? Luke turned to pick up the lightsabers from where they lay on the ground before following back to base.

The cheers were cut short as they arrived at the base carrying Ben and Rey’s dead bodies with them.

Before leaving the planet, they held a funeral for the fallen, followed by a small cremation ceremony for those who were once his students.

_“Can I ask a favor of you master?”_

Luke was surprised at the number of officers, soldiers, and pilots that attended the cremation in honor of Rey, despite their reluctance to the man popularly known as Kylo Ren.

_“Find our bodies before the First Order does, cremate us and let our bodies burn together, so when we’re nothing but ashes, we will be together once more as one with the Force.”_

Before they lit the fire, Luke stepped forward and returned the lightsabers to their rightful owners. As the flames roared to life he could hear Leia crying behind him and as Rey’s friends sobbed loudly, even the droid’s BB-8 and R2 beeped in mourning.

“This ends with you both.” He murmured to those gone.

There is no death, there is the Force. As the flames died out and the ashes were swept up in the wind, Luke could only hope they had found each other once more.

**Author's Note:**

> Going from I hate you to I’ll die for you, literally. I’m sorry. Anon asked for angst, did I deliver?
> 
> I apologize if there were some instances in where the characters seemed a little ooc, this is my first canon related reylo (since my first two were au's). Still, even if this took me a long time to finish I feel really good about it.  
> To whoever made it this far,thanks for reading and let me know what you think. :)


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